Watching the love and care that my son-in-love, Alex, has for Quinn, the newborn baby that he and Samantha have brought into this world, has become one of my greatest joys. It just feels so right. I am sure that this depth of feeling comes from the fact that due to the dysfunction in my household while I was growing up, I never felt the assurance of my father’s love. A feeling of abandonment permeated my entire life due to my parents’ constant arguing and the lack of the expression of love between them.
One of my favorite quotes, by Theodore Hesburgh, a Roman Catholic priest; and a former President of The University of Notre Dame. He said, “the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
I think most people don’t realize that children are like sponges. They see and feel things that we are hardly aware of and therefore we have no idea how distress in the household creates an enormous crater in their hearts.
When I first became a God-follower 45 years ago, this verse, written by King David, had my name written all over it, “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close,” – Psalm 27:10.
There were reasons my parents had to get married and they were ill prepared for marriage and caring for children. Sadly, the homes of many children have grown far worse as children today suffer, in monumental numbers, as a result of divorce, abandonment, anger, and fear in their own homes.
The world has become a cauldron of overlapping families in which most children get lost in the mix. The vast majority of families have multiple steps – stepmothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles and cousins. Many young people are being raised by family members who are not their parents and don’t even know it. Imagine the anger and confusion when the truth becomes known to them. The sad reality is that many children do not have parents who care for them by loving, encouraging and supporting them. Is it any wonder that many young people are angry and full of rage? Who would not feel anger, embarrassment and despair for having been abandoned? The definition of abandonment, “To withdraw protection, support or help from,” says it all.
These are the children and teens who cannot function in school, who fight, who show disregard for authority and who won’t listen to anyone. Surely their self-worth has been decimated with the message that they have no value, that they are unwanted and unloved. They have been violated at their very core and we somehow seem surprised when everything inside of them screams for attention and validation any way they can get it. We were created to be loved, cared for, protected and nourished and when that does not happen, we are like lost children on a playground crying to be found.
Scientific research has proven that an infant must experience love and nurturing, otherwise the brain will not develop normally. If these needs are not met during the critical developmental first year of life, abnormalities result and children lose the ability to form attachments with others. It is because the cells in the brain, not receiving sufficient and appropriate stimulation, begin to die and atrophy from disuse, just like a muscle if not used. Despite the presence of all other life requirements, such as food and water, without loving contact, infants will fail to thrive. Those who have not been loved as children, don’t feel lovable and can not love themselves or others.
This became apparent to me as many of my friends have fostered and/or adopted children who were deprived of love early in their lives. No matter how much love, kindness, and support that my friends showered upon their children in later years, it was never enough. In many instances, the children ended up in jail or on drugs or dead from suicide, causing my friends to blame themselves for not doing enough. I have tried to encourage them by telling them that they did everything they could to give their children good homes and lots of love and, yet, the hole in the hearts of these children was an abyss too great for even the best parents to fill.
I do know of some households with adopted and fostered children who have succeeded in life. My hope is that my general prognosis of these situations is more wrong than right.
The amazing truth about God is that He loved us even before we were born. And even if our mothers and fathers have forgotten us, He never will. We are even tattooed on His hands!
As the prophet Isaiah says in the Hebrew Bible, “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands …” – Isaiah chapter 49, verses 15 and 16.
The best thing husbands and wives can do for their children is to love each other. Children flourish and feel secure in loving households. And when other people see this kind of love and lifetime commitment, they see how beautiful love can be and they also see the way love was meant to be.
And that is why Alex’s tenderness towards Quinn stirs my heart. I am overwhelmed with joy knowing that my grandson will be showered with love and affection from his parents and from the rest of his family. It just can’t get any better than that.